It Has To End Sometime
by EmsyRENThead
Summary: A piece of Abby fanfic. One evening Abby is at home evaluating her life...what action will she take? Chapter 8, the final chapter, is now up. Sorry for the wait!
1. Thoughts

Coffee. That was her drug of choice. A nice, legal way to make yourself feel a little better. Abby didn't know how she managed to get through the day before she drunk coffee. Although this particular day was nearly finished, she still needed its help.

She flopped onto her battered sofa. Today had been just awful. She'd been puked on, shouted at...if it could've happened, it did. Sometimes she wondered why she kept on in the job, then she thought of all the training and debt she's accumulated over the course of her career, and realized that to stop was not an option. Sometimes she felt really silly for thinking she was capable of being a doctor, though. Like she would never be cut out for something so advanced, needing so much skill. Doctors were people like Carter, who could handle a big emergency and know what do without panicking. Like Kerry, who was so skilled she could handle any crisis that came her way. Abby chuckled at the thought of being in that situation and knowing what to do. The idea of having a crisis to run with no-one to ask for help scared her…she didn't think she could handle that sort of responsibility. Abby looked down at her coffee cup, now empty. She was surprised to see that she'd managed to drink her entire cup of coffee already.

Turning on the TV, she flipped through the channels. She couldn't concentrate, however. Her brain was buzzing with thoughts. Really big thoughts...about her life...the people she'd allowed herself to get close to who had eventually hurt her...Carter, Luka...it all ran along the same tracks. Get close, become vulnerable, and get hurt. So, the sensible option seemed to stay distant, to stay away. And as for her family...well one evening wasn't enough to go through all the problems they'd caused her. Wondering when she'd get a call about her mother, about her brother. A call to say they were missing, or in hospital, or worse... It was so unfair. Why her? Why did it have to be that she was the one who had a weird family to take care of? Why couldn't she have a functional relationship? All she wanted was to be able to stay with someone she cared about…it just didn't seem fair. Suddenly she became aware of her surroundings once more. She often disappeared into her head with her own thoughts. She noticed her hands were tightly curled up into balls, and she had been clenching her teeth.

The more Abby let these thoughts run through her head, the worse she felt. There was only one vice she had that had worked in blanking all these thoughts out. She knew there was a bottle somewhere in this apartment. She never told anyone, but there had to be one in the apartment somewhere, just for her piece of mind...so she knew it was still there if she needed it. It was the only thing that seemed to block things out...the only answer.

Abby knew that Carter had helped her quit the drink. She was really grateful to him for that, although at the time it just seemed he was trying to be pushy and mess with her life when she didn't want him to. She knew that he understood what it was like to be in a situation like that, though. She stood up and walked to her kitchen cupboards almost without thinking about it.

Waking up the next morning, Abby's head was throbbing. She felt so ill. The sunlight came streaming through the window. Abby looked at the clock. 5am. Far too early. She couldn't face the thought of going back to sleep, however...her dreams had been far too haunting that night. Full of people laughing at her failures and her life. At the people who had hurt her. Pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater over her head, she grabbed her keys and walked out the door.


	2. The Moment Of Truth

Susan Lewis stood in front of the board, looking at the cases they had in that morning. One kid with a penny up his nose, one broken foot, a migraine and some vomiting. In other words, a normal morning in the ER.

'Morning Dr. Lewis.' Susan turned to see Sam looked over the reception desk with her coat on having just come inside. 'Slow day huh?'

'Yea', Lewis replied. 'Go take your coat off and have some coffee…you know what slow days are like. The rush is always just around the corner.'

Smiling, Sam wondered off into the lounge to take Susan's advice. 'You know who else is in today Frank?' Susan asked the desk clerk.

'Lockhert's due in at 10. Weaver at 12.'

'It's another day of doctor chicks then eh Frank?'

'Well Luka's been here since 6 this morning. He'll no doubt be pleased about that.'

'Frank!' Susan smiled. She could do with a good slow day. Things had been so rushed lately…the ER just seemed busier than usual. Susan couldn't remember the last time she'd actually got to sit down during a shift. Just then, the radio crackled.

'County do you read?'

'Spoke too soon', Susan muttered to herself. Picking up the radio she replied, 'this is County, we read. Are you a new crew? I don't recognise your voice.'

'Yea we've been drafted in temp to cover holidays. We've got a suicide attempt coming in, unidentified female, in her twenties. Looks like pills. ETA about 3 minutes.'

'Ok we copy that.' Susan hated suicides. It just made her think too much. But she had to be professional. She turned to the desk clerk. 'Where's Luka?'

'I'll page him' Frank replied.

'Thanks'. Susan saw Sam walking out the lounge. 'Sam we need you, suicide attempt on the way'.

'Oh great', Sam exclaimed. 'Those are the worst.'

'Yea I know. It sucks.' Susan and Sam waited outside; they could hear the ambulance coming down the street. Looking up at the sky Susan could see spring was on the way. The days were getting lighter, the air a little warmer. Although it wasn't one of her favourite types of cases, especially with young women, Susan felt she could handle this one. The ambulance pulled up and the back doors flew open.

'Young female in her twenties, attempted suicide. She was found on the floor of her apartment block lobby.'

As they wheeled the gurney out the back of the ambulance, Susan felt something leap in her stomach. Her instincts had recognised who it was before her brain had time to catch up. As soon as she looked at the face of the patient she let out a scream. 'Oh my God…. Abby…'

* * *

Running into resus with Sam, Susan called on every doctor she could see who was not doing something vital.

'Luka, Ray, Neela we need you NOW!'

As each doctor entered the room their faces fell. Neela put a hand up to her mouth in shock.

'Come on!' Susan shouted. 'Work! We need to get a tox screen to see what she's taken and get a gastric lavage in her now.'

The doctors and nurses began working on Abby, pushing the drugs and trying to get a tube down her throat to pump her stomach. Susan looked up at her colleagues. 'C'mon', she said. 'Lets just do our jobs and think about things later.'

'Tox screen is back', Sam said. 'Looks like sleeping pills and a lot of alcohol. Jesus…'

As she pushed a tube into her friend's stomach, Susan whispered softly to her 'Oh Abby…why'd you do this? Why?' But Susan had no time to wonder, as Abby started fitting and her cardiac monitor went crazy.

'Push the drugs!' Luka shouted. 'Let's get her stable, and quickly!' Abby's eyes opened and rolled back into her head. Slowly she stopped shaking and her heart rate returned to normal. 'Right. Let's get some charcoal into her.' Luka looked at Susan, who was struggling to hold it together. 'Dr. Lewis, why don't you go sit down somewhere.'

'No.' Susan shouted. She hated to be so unprofessional. 'I'm fine. Gimmie the charcoal.'

'Susan…' Luka took the equipment out of her trembling hands. 'Go have a quiet moment. Please. You're not being unprofessional. I promise. Just go and sit down.'

* * *

Susan pushed open the door into exam 2. The room was dark. She didn't turn on the lights. It was all she could do to sit down on the bed before giving way to heaving sobs. Why had Abby done this? Could she have helped her? Had Susan been a bad friend? What was going on? Unable to think straight, Susan hadn't realised there was someone else in the room until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

'She's stable Dr. Lewis. Dr. Kovac is getting the rest of the charcoal down her.' Susan looked up and saw Neela standing next to her. Trying to compose herself, Susan wiped her eyes. 'It's ok to be upset Dr. Lewis.' Neela said. With that, Susan broke into sobs again, and felt no need to compose herself as Neela put and arm round her and stroked her back.


	3. Concerned Care

Stood in the elevator, Carter rubbed his hand across his face. It seemed the further up the hospital chain of command you went, the more time you spent in meetings rather than doing anything with the patients.

Carter reached the ER and stepped out the elevator. His first thought was that it seemed really quiet to him. As he walked past the reception desk he looked at the faces of the staff. They were looking at him in a really distressing way. Something was wrong. Something big.

'What is it…what's going on?' Carter asked, completely confused. He saw Luka moving towards him. 'Is something wrong? He asked. 'What? What is it?'

'Carter…' Luka spoke softly, 'it's Abby. She was brought in just now. She's in Trauma 1.'

'What?' Carter sped off down the hall, calling to Luka as he went. 'What happened? Was she in an accident? Is she alright?'

'She took an overdose.' Luka said. Carter stopped suddenly.

'You're kidding? How? Why?'

'We've no idea. She's not conscious. We're waiting for her to be taken up to ICU.'

Carter turned, and slowly walked into Trauma 1. What he saw made him stop breathing. Abby was lying on the bed, hooked up to a ventilator and monitors. Carter knew exactly what each machine was for, but for the first time he felt as though he wasn't a doctor, but a desperately scared relative. He walked slowly up to the bed, never taking his eyes off Abby's face. Sitting down on a stool near her head, he gently brushed her hair away. She looked almost grey, so tiny and vulnerable against all the machines. He didn't know how long he had been sat there when he heard a door open. He looked up. It was Susan.

'Her crits are stable. We've pumped her stomach. She just needs some good care now.' Susan didn't know what else to say, so she gave her usual medical spiel.

'What did she take?' Carter wasn't sure he really wanted to know, but he asked anyway.

'Sleeping pills and alcohol.'

When Susan told him this, he closed his eyes and put his forehead on the bed. 'Oh Abby', he whispered. 'I tried to help you, I really did.'

'None of us knew it was this bad Carter. She kept it well hidden from all of us.'

'She's never been one to open up to people,' Carter whispered. 'Even when we were together…well I had to force her to say anything.' He felt Susan's hand on his shoulder.

'We can't help her unless she wants us to, Carter. It's hard, but she's got to get help herself. All we can do is support her and love her the best we can.'

'Yea I know, you're right.'

'She's going to be ok. She's tough. Physically she'll get out of this. But then it's up to her to work out what she wants to do. There are trained people in this hospital that will help her. But she has to make that decision on her own.'

'So, we just sit here and wait for her to do it again? What if it's worse the next time? How can she expect us to just sit here, waiting for her to do something else stupid…' Carter stopped. He turned to look at Abby. He felt so scared for her, but he just felt so angry too. 'I'm sorry' he said, more to Abby than to Susan. 'I just don't know what to do…'

'It's hit us all really hard.' Susan said. 'When they brought her in…I couldn't stand it. I just couldn't work on her. It was too hard.' Susan began to get upset at the conflict between her professional and personal interests.

'Hey…I would've been the same, Susan.'

Just then the door opened again. Sam slowly walked in. 'They're ready for her upstairs now. I'll take her up.' She was followed into the room by Frank.

'Um...there's a multi-vehicle MVA pulling up. We need all hands on deck.'

'I'll take it' Carter said, going to follow Frank out the door. Before he left, he stroked Abby gently on the head. 'Get them to call us as soon as she wakes up', he said to Sam before walking out.

'Dr. Lewis, I need to take her upstairs.'

'I know. Let's go.' Susan and Sam wheeled Abby out into the corridor. Every member of staff watched with a worried look as she went by. Kerry, who had just arrived at work, was about to go into the lounge to get changed. Her jaw dropped when she saw Abby on the trolley. Arriving at the lift, Carter rounded the corner.

'Susan, we need you.'

'Ok I'm coming.' Giving Abby a light kiss on the forehead, she turned to go. Heaving a sigh, she watched the lift doors close.


	4. She's Back

Silence. That was the main feature of the ICU ward. Although machines beeped and ventilators hissed and whirred every hour of the day and night, there was always an overwhelming sense of silence. A sense of people being there, but their minds being elsewhere.

The nameplate read 'Lockhart, A'. The figure in the bed - small, thin, and so completely unlike the headstrong doctor that worked in the ER a few floors below – lay still. Perfectly still. Then her eyelids fluttered.

* * *

'Carter!' Frank shouted over the reception desk. 'It's ICU…she's awake.'

Carter signed off on the patient he was working on and grabbed the phone from Frank. 'She's awake? How is she? Is she still ventilated? Has she said anything?'

'Ok Dr. Carter,' the voice on the end of the phone said. 'She's ok. You need to calm yourself down though! She's awake and conscious. She isn't on the ventilator at the moment but she's completely exhausted so we're letting her sleep. You're more than welcome to come and see her, but if she's still asleep you mustn't wake her. She needs a lot of rest.'

'Ok…yep…yep…alright…thank you!' Carter put the phone down and took a deep breath. 'She's ok. She's awake.' The relief was immense…but he was still worried. He knew he was going to have to ask her why she did it. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know the answer. Walking slowly over to the elevator, he called Susan over as she walked past. 'Hey! Susan! I'm going up to see Abby…she's awake, the ICU nurse just called.'

'Oh thank goodness.' Susan's relief was clear. 'You're going up now? Don't you think she needs some rest?'

'I want to see her…. I've got to know why…' Carter didn't finish.

'Carter…you've got to be kidding me. Listen, it's none of our business. Maybe she will never tell us why she did it. As long as whatever it is gets sorted, that's what we need to be concerned about.' She stopped and looked Carter right in the eye. 'Don't you dare go around thinking that she did this because of you, Carter. And don't you dare go around thinking only you can make her better. That is just big-headedness, you know.'

Carter was shocked…mostly because he hadn't realised Susan could read him so well. 'Kinda presumptuous of me I guess?' He asked sheepishly.

'Carter…just be there for her, yea?' He nodded in reply. 'Give her my love, tell her I'll come up and say hi when my shift ends.' The elevator had arrived by now, so Susan smiled and went off to her next patient.

* * *

Carter noticed the quietness of the ICU compared to the ER.

'Abby Lockhart?' He asked the nurse at the desk.

''Down the hall on the left. She's still asleep, let her rest ok?' Carter nodded and walked down the hall. Turning the corner he saw he lying in the huge bed. She was sleeping peacefully, seeming a lot more comfortable without so many tubes and wires connected up to her. As he was standing in the doorway, he heard the nurse walk up behind him.

'We're still looking for her family. She has a mother and a brother, right?' Carter nodded. 'We've been trying to track them down but we've had no luck so far.'

'Yea that doesn't surprise me. I'll see if I can get hold of them somehow.' The nurse nodded and walked back to her desk.

Carter sat down next to Abby's bed. Slowly he reached out and held her hand. 'Hey Abby', he whispered, trying not to wake her. Now he was here, he felt awkward…he didn't know what to do.

'You gave us a scare back there, y'know? Everyone was worried…Susan was really cut up. Hey, you even made Kerry speechless, that's gotta be a first, right? I don't know why you did this Abby…maybe I'll never know. But…well you know I love you. I know stuff didn't work out between us, but you'll still be one of the best friends I'll ever have. Jesus Abby…why couldn't you have talked to someone? Why this?' Carter didn't want to wake her, so he stopped himself before his voice got too loud. He remembered what Susan had said…about Abby having to work things out for herself.

'I hope you do something about this Abby. We'll be here, we'll support you and love you, but you've got to do this yourself.' Abby squirmed and her eyes sleepily opened.

'John…' Abby spoke softly. 'I'm so sorry John…I've been so stupid…'

'Hey…shhhh, don't get yourself worked up. You just concentrate on making yourself better, then we'll sort out the next step.'

'I'm glad you're here John.'

Carter just smiled. Abby was back.


	5. Moving Forwards

Susan looked at the clock. Five minutes to go, then she was outta here. Well, not quite. She was going to visit Abby upstairs first. She went over to reception, hoping to find some charts to look through to fill the remaining minutes of her shift.

'You're off in a minute aren't you?' Kerry was already at the desk. 'Are you going upstairs?'

'Yes, I thought I'd just go and say hi, see how she is.'

'Give her my best would you?'

'Of course.' Susan smiled. 'Ok, we've got asthma attack and abdominal pain in three and a kid with chicken pox in 1. That's me done for the day.'

'See you tomorrow Susan. Tell Abby we're all thinking of her.' Kerry walked off with an armful of charts.

'Man what a day' Susan said to herself as she walked into the doctor's lounge. As she was taking off her white coat and hanging it up in her locker, Carter walked in.

'Hey Dr. Lewis. Abby's awake now. She's still exhausted though. But she looks a lot better.' Carter looked exhausted himself. 'I talked to her for a little bit…it was weird, I didn't really know what to say to her. I could say more to her while she was asleep…I could say what I really wanted to.'

Susan sighed. 'Yea, I don't know what I'm going to say either. I'm sure she'll get tired of people telling her they're there for her and supporting her.'

'I think she'd probably appreciate knowing that.' Carter sat down in one of the comfy chairs and stretched. 'She needs her friends. And you know Abby…she's not one to come asking for help.'

'Yea…I guess this never would have happened if she was. Do Maggie and Eric know?'

'The nurse couldn't track them down. I said I'd try and do something. I'll go and make some calls later.' Carter closed his eyes, trying to block out the confusing and worrying day.

'Ok. Well…I'm going to go upstairs. I'll see you tomorrow Carter.'

* * *

'Abby…are you awake?' Susan quietly entered Abby's ward. Abby opened her eyes slowly.

'Susan…' she smiled, glad to see her friend.

'Hey Abby…how you doing?' Susan sat by her friend's bed.

'Been better I guess…shouldn't have to stay in here too much longer though.' She took a deep breath.

'We've all been so worried about you downstairs…Kerry said to give you her best.'

Abby looked up. 'Kerry said that?'

'Yea…what an honour huh?' Abby smiled a little.

'Susan...I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish.'

'Abby, it's ok. Really. You're ok now, that's what matters.'

'Yea. I feel so…stupid though. So ashamed.'

'What happened Abby? To make you do this?'

'You know, I don't really remember. I think it started when…well, I had a bottle in the house and…I guess my rational thought just went down the drain. I started feeling worse and worse. Then it started again in the morning…I felt so stupid for what I'd done the night before I figured what the hell, if it blocked things out last night…then it just overwhelmed me. Doing what I did seemed like the only option at the time.' Abby put her face in her hands. She felt so stupid.

Susan looked on sympathetically. 'Well now you can start moving in the right direction. No one had a clue things were this bad Abby. You kept it so well hidden.' Abby just looked at the floor. 'You can make things better for yourself now. You've got to have the courage to move on from this. You have a lot of friends downstairs who love you…' Susan saw Abby give her a sceptical look from the corner of her eye. 'Abby, I'm serious. We care about you a lot. When you came in this morning…I couldn't work on you, you know.' Looking her straight in the eye, she continued. 'I couldn't do it. I was too shocked.' Abby's face softened at hearing this. 'Look Abby…Carter, Luka…me…we all care about you and love you. Please, get yourself some help. We'll do all we can to support you, but only you can sort this out.'

'Yea. You're right, of course.'

'Carter is trying to track down Maggie and Eric…'

'No. Absolutely not. I don't want to see them.'

'Abby, are you sure? It might do some good…'

'No. No way. I don't want them seeing me like this.'

'Ok well…they should still know. They need to be told.'

Abby shrugged. 'Whatever, Susan.'

'Abby, ignoring things won't make them go away. Whatever it is that made this happen – and that's your business and no one else's – you have got to get it sorted. Don't give your friends another scare like you did this time. We deserve more than that and so do you.'

Sighing, Susan stood up. 'Abby, I have to go. I really wish I could stay longer but I think the nurses will throw me out if I do…no more visitors tonight.'

Abby looked up at her friend with a small smile of gratitude. 'Thank you, Susan. Thank you for everything you've done for me today.'

'Hey no sweat. It's my job after all. Take care, you hear? I'll come and see you before my shift tomorrow.' She reached down and held her friend in her arms. 'It's going to work Abby. You've just got to be willing to work at it.' Giving her a quick kiss on the forehead, Susan turned and walked back down the corridor.


	6. Talk It Through

Sitting in the hard chair in the therapist's waiting room, Abby tried to while away the time by reading the notices on the far wall and examining her hair for split ends. It was really quiet…the office wasn't near the middle of town so she couldn't hear any cars or people. She had never felt more out of place. It had been her idea, though. She could've gone to the Psych department at County, but the idea of having treatment with the people she'd worked for as a med student…she didn't want things to be that close to home. She'd already ended up in County once, and she really didn't want her work and her personal life mingled that closely together.

"Abby Lockhart?" Abby looked up towards the desk where she had heard her name. "Dr. White will see you now."

* * *

"Good morning Abby." Dr. White held out her hand for Abby to shake. She smiled as Abby loosely took her hand. "How are you this morning? Please, take a seat"

She sat down on one end of the large sofa. "I'm ok, thanks." Abby looked at the doctor. She looked around 55, short brown hair, about the same height as Abby. She had a really welcoming face that made Abby feel a little more at ease, although any kind of situation where she was not the doctor automatically made her feel uncomfortable.

Dr. White picked up a pair of reading glasses from her desk and sat down in a large armchair facing Abby. "Alright Abby, today I just want to chat to you, get to know a little bit about you and get a feeling of why you're here and what you would like to get out of these sessions." Abby nodded. Suddenly the print of the Empire State Building on the back wall of the office had become fascinating, and she couldn't take her eyes off it. "Could you being by telling me a little bit about yourself? Where do you work, do you have any family…?"

Abby switched her gaze from the print to her fingernails. "I work at County ER. As a doctor. I only just graduated, actually. Before that I used to be a nurse there, and then before that I was an OB nurse at County."

"That's a lot of hard work…do you enjoy working there?"

"Yea…it seems like I've been there forever. It's kinda weird being a doctor now, though. All that responsibility…and you've just got to know so much. I mean, I had to know stuff when I was a nurse, sure, but…well I guess it's just different." Dr. White nodded.

"What about your family? What do they think of your career path?"

"Well, they're proud, I guess."

"You guess?"

"I don't see them much." Abby uncrossed her legs and re-crossed them the other way. "Maggie and Eric are…not always the easy to contact."

"They're your sister and brother?"

"Eric's my brother. Maggie's my mom."

"Oh. So I guess you don't call her mom then?"

Abby took a deep breath. "No, no I don't call her mom. Well, I do sometimes I guess. But if I call her mom that gives the impression she looked after me while I was growing up, and wasn't always disappearing to go on a road trip, or lock herself in the bathroom…" Abby could feel her chest tighten as she talked about Maggie. She hated talking about her, especially to people she'd only just met. "But hey, I was a tough kid." Smiling wanly at Dr. White, Abby tried to downplay the situation. If the doctor wanted to push the point, she didn't.

"Ok Abby we we'll talk about your family in a while. What about work? Do you have many friends inside your job at the ER?"

"I spend so much time there I think that's where all my friends are. They really came through for me when…when I needed them."

"When you overdosed, you mean?"

Abby blinked. She sat on her hands. She shifted forwards in her seat. "They were just doing their jobs I guess, but…"

"You think they still saw you as just another patient?"

"No. No I know they didn't. But…"

Dr. White looked at Abby…. it made Abby feel a little uncomfortable, like she was being examined. "Do you think your friends care about you, Abby?"

Abby squirmed. "Yea…sure they do."

"And do you care about them?"

"Well…yea. There are some great people there."

"Can you tell me about them?"

Although she wasn't one for openly expressing her feelings about people, thinking of her friends in the ER made her feel a little calmer. "Well…Susan is lovely. She's one of my best friends. It's weird sometimes, because she's my boss and we get cross with each other but…but I know she cares about me. And I care about her."

"Caring seems to play an important part."

"Well yea…I care about a lot of people. I mean, I wouldn't exactly count Kerry as a friend, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her. That doesn't mean I won't help her or comfort her or support her if she needs it."

Dr. White smiled softly. "I think these women are lucky to have you as a friend, Abby."

Abby looked at her shoes, but something deep inside her felt happy the doctor had said this. Her friends were important to her.

"Then there's Carter."

"Carter?"

"Yea. We have a…weird relationship."

"Weird how?"

"Well…we were together, for a while, He was going to ask me to marry him…but then he didn't. He went to Africa and…well, met someone else."

"That sounds confusing. So he's in Africa?"

"No, not any more. He came home…" Abby felt she was digging herself into a hole trying to explain the whole Carter situation…Kem, the baby…she just couldn't handle trying to give Dr. White all the details. "Well, it's complicated."

"I see. So do you two still get along?"

"Well yea, I still work with him. And he paid my tuition fees for med school."

"Really? That sounds like a big commitment."

Abby smirked. "No, not really. Not for him anyway."

* * *

Walking out of the large double doors, Abby squinted into the sunlight. The weather was cold as the day ended. Sitting down on a small wall outside the building, Abby reached into her pocket and fished out her cigarettes and her cell phone. As she absentmindedly smoked, she thought about the appointment she'd just had. She'd spoken about more than she thought she would. Although there was still a lot she hadn't said.

She thought of her empty apartment. Scrolling through her phone, she found the number she was looking for and pressed 'call'.

"Hi Susan? Hi…yea it's Abby. Are you on tonight? You wanna come round? Yes, I've just had my first session and…well the apartment will feel a little lonely. I'll be home in about 40 minutes? Ok, see you then."

She stood up and walked off towards the EL, smiling properly for the first time that day.


	7. Are You The One?

Lying in bed, Abby looked up at the ceiling. Being off work sucked. People wanted her to get better, wanted her to get help, but it was almost scary being off work for so long. Too much time to think about things...wasn't that the problem that got her into this mess in the first place?

She stretched up and looked out her window. It was a beautiful morning, cold and crisp yet sunny. Seeing the weather cheered her up a little. Surely it was better to be able to relax on such a nice day rather than be stuck in the ER? Walking into her kitchen she poured herself a glass of milk from the fridge and was surprised at how relaxed she actually felt. Sitting in her quiet kitchen she let the thoughts she had been talking about run through her head. The question everyone had asked – or, she thought, everyone had been to polite to ask – was why did she do it? What made her do something so final? Her reasoning so far was that it had been the drink. She'd been having a depressive evening, had got drunk which was a stupid thing for her to do and had thought things were worse then they really were. Waking up the next morning she'd felt stupid, and still believed the things in her head from the previous night. So she went through with it.

That was good reasoning, she thought. That was a good excuse. But was it the truth? Abby's calm began to waver as she asked herself this question. Who knows. Who knows why she did it?

"I know." Abby was aware that she knew, but did she want to admit it? Looking outside she figured the brisk weather would make a good background for her thoughts.

* * *

Walking down the street outside her apartment, Abby thought. She had been talking about Carter a lot in her therapy. Carter. One of her best friends. An ex-lover. Someone who probably knew her better than anybody else. So what was it about him that made her so upset? Well, he was with someone else now. He was going to have a family with another woman. Although, that had changed now. But it was a tragedy, something that ripped his life apart. She couldn't be pleased about that. She had seen him soon after his son had died. There was no way that could make her happy. She thought back to that night. She hadn't been the one who was going to comfort him. That would be Kem's job. That, she realized, was the most difficult thing.

She had no idea how long she had been walking for. She had been so lost in her thoughts she hadn't even noticed where she was heading. Hadn't noticed, that is, until she suddenly came back to the world and found herself standing in front of Carter's front door.

Abby panicked slightly. What was she doing here? Had she been seen? Should she leave? Should she knock on the door? Had she knocked on the door already but just not realized it? She was so busy panicking silently to herself she didn't notice the door open, and didn't see Carter standing looking at her.

'Carter.'

'Abby.'

'Um...I know it sounds strange but..I didn't even know I was here.'

'Huh. Well you didn't really look...awake. Are you coming in?'

'Sure...' Abby spoke uneasily. She was slightly blindsided by finding herself outside Carter's apartment, and didn't really know what to do. She followed him inside.

'So...how are you? You look a little better.'

'Well last time you saw me I wasn't exactly looking my best.' She didn't know how to handle the situation without making a joke about it, it was the only way she knew how to react.

'Would you like to sit down? Can i get you anything? Juice? Water? Coffee?'

Abby realized Carter clearly didn't know how to handle the situation either. She had been into many of his apartments more times than she could count, but he'd never treated her like such a guest. 'Juice will be fine, thankyou.'

Sitting down on the sofa, Abby tried to think of something to say. She was here, so surely she had to find some sort of reason? As Carter returned and handed her a glass, she smiled shyly at him. She had to approach the subject of they would just sit there in awkward silence.

'I miss being at work.'

'Sure you do. Miss the patients, miss Kerry breathing down your neck all the time..'

'Yea. It's only when you're not there you realize how much you miss it.'

'I guess you're right.' Carter sighed. 'It's been kinda weird without you there too.'

'Thanks for visiting me while I was...getting better in there.'

'Of course...I was worried about you. Everyone was. You gave us a real scare Abby. We just want you to get better. Although I know that isn't easy.'

'Yea. Therapy feels like you're just spending hours talking about yourself. The ultimate in narcissism.'

'But is it working?'

'Yea, I guess. I mean, I spend so long talking through everything it means I can think a little clearer. But there's a lot to think about.' Abby glanced up at Carter, and he caught the end of her glance.

'Susan told me off for thinking that...that I had anything to...' His shame made him stop. He felt uncomfortable asking the question he'd been desperate to ask.

'It wasn't just one thing, Carter. It wasn't just you, it wasn't just Luka, it wasn't just mom and Eric and everything else that makes my life just a little more screwy than everyone else's. But I suppose you're what's top in my mind at the moment. I've...been talking about you a lot.'

'To your therapist?'

Abby nodded. The two sat in uncomfortable silence. Neither knew what to say next. Both had questions to ask but neither wanted to seem intrusive. Eventually, Carter started.

'You know I'm still very fond of you Abby.'

'I know, John. I could see that from the way you looked after me back then.'

'Ever since Kem, things have been difficult. I'm grieving, Abby. I lost my son. That's something that Kem and I will always have. And although things have been difficult between us - Kem and I, I mean – we've gone through a lot.'

Abby just nodded and looked at the floor. She felt so stupid, so selfish for thinking Carter could still feel anything for her. He'd had a child for goodness sake. A whole new life with another woman. Why would he still have feelings for her? She stood up. 'Maybe I should go...'

'No, Abby, please stay.' Carter stood up and moved towards her. 'Please, Abby. You're one of my best friends, you know that, you always will be. Do you really want a relationship with me? Really?'

Sitting back down, Abby tried to clear her head a little. Did she want a relationship with him? Honestly? It would be a bounce-back relationship. He would be trying to get over Kem, and she would be trying to prove something to herself – that her life wasn't a complete mess. Although by being with him, she knew she wouldn't be totally happy. She just wanted to be with him for the idea of being with him. She sighed.

'No, Carter, I guess I don't.' She sheepishly looked up at him. 'You're right.'

'Abby, you're a sensible and intelligent woman. You can move on, you can rebuild yourself. I love you Abby, and I'll support you every step of the way. As will Susan, as will Luka, hell, even Kerry might be a bit nicer to you if you're lucky.' They both smiled.

* * *

She sat in bed, the covers over her knees. The night air was clear coming through her bedroom window, and the moonlight shone a little into the room. She felt lighter somehow, as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She knew that there was a long way to go yet, but she felt as though she could tackle it. She knew she had support, she felt confident she could work through things. Shifting down under the covers, she fell into a deep, restful sleep. 


	8. Ending

'Susan, quickly, tube her now!'

'Luka I don't think she's going to make it!'

'She's dying, quick help her!'

'Time of death, 11.24am.'

Abby woke up with a jump. She looked around – her room was bathed in dawn light. Looking at her clock she saw it was only 5am. Still a few more hours. She felt her forehead. It was covered in cold sweat. She hated having those dreams...where she was in trauma, she couldn't see but she wanted to cry out...'I'm still here! I can hear you!' Getting out of bed – there was no way she would get back to sleep now – she walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

* * *

Closing the door to her apartment, Abby walked down the hallway and blinked into the morning light as she opened the building's door. She began the journey she had made so many times before, but a few months back she had never intended to make it again. Back to the place she thought was going to be her last. She'd had therapy, been given pills that she wasn't the slightest bit interested in taking and had talked endlessly about her mother, her brother, her failed loves and her drink problem. Because, of course, once you can list your problems, you just tick them off one by one as each gets solved. 'Ha!' she thought as she walked into the EL station. 'If only it were that easy!'

As Abby reached the front doors of the hospital, she stopped. If she said she could remember coming in here on a stretcher, she'd be lying. Her first memories had been waking up in the ICU. Unless you count the dreams, of course. She moved round the doors to the edge of the building, and sat down on the cold ground to have a smoke. Watching the ambulances pull in and the paramedics wheeling patients off into the hospital, she got a very real sense of what had happened to her. What she'd done to herself. Of course, she'd gone over it numerous times in therapy, but sitting on the hard ground watching people being taking into the ER fighting for their lives, it all seemed very real.

'Carter I've got this one, you wait for the next one' Susan grabbed the trolley and wheeled it through the double doors. As Carter turned round, he spotted Abby sitting on the floor. Smiling, he walked over.

'Hiding out?' he asked, squatting down beside her.

'Yea. Just preparing myself I guess.'

'It'll be okay Abby. You've been doing this for years. Just like riding a bicycle.'

Abby gave Carter a strange look, then laughed. 'Thanks. I'll be in in a minute. Your trauma's pulling in.'

Carter looked round. 'See you inside. I can't believe you're still smoking those things.'

'Yea, apparently they're gonna kill me.'

Carter rolled his eyes. Abby was clearly back, complete with her morbid sense of humor. As he ran off towards the approaching ambulance, Abby ground out her cigarette on the floor. Waiting for Carter to take the patient inside, she slowly followed him in.

People were running everywhere, shouting orders, patients were complaining or moaning or just generally bleeding.

'See Abby, like you never left!'

Abby looked round to see Frank behind the desk. 'Why thankyou.'

'No problem. Glad you're back. We need more docs!'

Pushing the door to the lounge open, she heard someone call her name. She turned round and saw Kerry moving up the corridor towards her.

'Abby! Good to have you back. We've missed you.'

'Thanks, Dr. Weaver. It's good to be here.'

Smiling, Kerry moved off down the hall.

Putting on her doctor's coat and pinning her name badge on, Abby felt anxious. She also felt like she was back where she belonged. Back with her family. They had been there for her when it mattered the most – she had seen that. That fact she was able to put on a doctor's coat and go on to continue saving other's lives was a testament to that. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear Susan come in until she heard her name again.

'Abby! I'm so glad you're back! It's good to see you!' Susan threw her arms around her friend. 'You okay? Ready to face the world again huh?'

'Yea...yea I am.' Abby smiled.

'I'm just getting some coffee, I'll be right out.' Abby smiled at Susan, and pushed open the door.

'Abby! Patient here been in a hit and run. Adult male approximately 25 years old, broken pelvis and signs of internal bleeding...' Abby was back into that world once more. Like she had never been away. It had to end sometime. But the ending was not what she had planned. Her ending was her new beginning.


End file.
